11. empty

Yes, this is worth some edits and as has been suggested already, probably not as many as you think.

I think Alcuin gave you some detailed and excellent ideas to consider. To that I'd affirm that the jumps from time to time are indeed disconcerting and force the reader to reread the poem a few times to totally get it.

Alcuin may have already addressed this (I can't remember) but I'd change the commas and one word around in this stanza as follows:

in those days i awoke sick,
my belly already swollen,
and in those days i knew

I'll let you know if I think of anything else. Looking forward to your next draft!